Tears

Tears are a funny thing-- I can go weeks without shedding a one.  But, then there are times that I can't seem to skip a day from shedding a tear or two.  Tears are a cleansing way to refresh ones soul.  And, I have learned that, without a soft heart, it is hard to allow yourself to succumb to the release tears can offer you.

Today, I spent my first afternoon with my son in the ER.  A neighborhood puppy knocked him down, and he hit the back of his head-- and you know how those heads can bleed.  He was scared, and I was scared.  I cannot stand to see my babies hurting, and I cannot stand not being in control of the situation.  I kept my cool, scooping him up and holding him tight--whispering softly to calm him down. 

As we tried to get it cleaned up enough so we could see what kind of gash we were looking at--  emotions were running high.  Jaxen was still scared, shaking and crying, Alexis was nervous and worried, and I was overwhelmed with emotion. 

I wanted to hold Alexis, and comfort her as she was worried for her brother, to tell her everything would be alright.  Instead I had to hold Jaxen close to me, and simply wink at her- letting her know with a simple gesture that mommy had it under control.  Inside, I felt like the control I had on the situation was gaining, but the control I had on my emotions was quickly slipping. 

I held Jaxen while trying to keep his head down, and let Daddy clean it-- I couldn't bare to look yet, because I am nothing short of a coward, when it comes to my children being hurt.  I literally shudder, thinking about looking at it as I write this.  I don't prefer looking at wounds--but, could honestly say that most wounds on other people don't phase me, but when it is your baby, everything changes. 

I tried to joke and keep Jaxen's mind off of the situation--and then it started...tears.  I had been keeping it together, holding it together for Alexis, for Jaxen, for Kyle, for the neighbors that came over to check on Jaxen, and for me...and then  I couldn't.  I didn't sob, I just allowed warm tears to fall, reminding me that it is okay to hurt for your babies. 

Sure, I thought that it may scare my kids that their mommy was crying, but it is also important for them to know--that mommy doesn't always have it under control, and sometimes I am scared and worried.  But, that together we can work through it--and we did.  I am sure that there will be many more times that we find ourselves in the ER with our son--and there will be even more times that we have to face things together, where tears will fall.  I just pray that my heart remains soft enough, to allow those tears to come. 

Jaxen wound up getting his head glued back together, at the ER-- and he was a very brave boy.   I was so proud of his fearlessness.  I am also thankful for the concerned neighbors and a "calm," grandma on the phone.  She kept me calm, (afterall, she raised a very similar boy, and is a nurse)--even though I know, after I hung up with her she probably shed a tear or two too.  It's what we do.