Thursday, March 25, 2010

Despite our colds and lack of energy-- the kids have had lunch--(grandma brought them McDonalds) and they are now in their room playing...together...quietly...and getting along.  So, I thought I would take this rare opportunity to write a little :).

I am not feeling myself today, I actually feel like I have a hangover of some sort--but, there was no drinking involved.  I feel broken, alone and confused.  However, as I look for the words to write--I notice that my toes are a very shiny, bright pink--and that makes me happy.

I feel sad.  My daughter told me yesterday that she thought I was grouchy sometimes.  Although, I understood her childlike opinion, it still hurt a little.  When asked to explain, she said it was because I didn't let her watch tv at nap time.  That is true, and I will hold my ground on that one--but, I am sure at times I am grouchy with them...and they don't see a mom full of love 100% of the time...and that makes me so incredibly sad.  How can I not be show them love all of the time--how can that small sounding task be so exhausting?  Am I alone in feeling this way?  Is it truly simple for those of you out there that feel like they can always answer their child with a smile, and calm reactions?

I am lost in trying to find my balance this week.  I don't know if it is because I am sick or because my body is playing tricks on me-- but, I am not feeling much like the super-mom I expect myself to be.  I could come up with a list of ways I am fall short- and as I browse that mental list, it is like a bullet to the chest. 

Sure, I can look at my kids--and by default, they must have a decent mother because they are good kids.  But, instead I try to think of ways I could do better, be a better example, show them how much I love them better-- I always think I can be better, there is no best for me. 

That to me is the hardest thing about becoming a mother-- I can't be the BEST.  I can't get that A+ on my paper-- I can't reach perfection.  I can only try-- and I am not handling that well.  I want that A+, I want a trophy.  Okay, maybe not a trophy, but I want to know I am doing the job perfectly.  Except in motherhood- there is no PERFECT. 

I do know this- I can't dwell on my imperfections-- because I am wasting precious time with my children.  So, I will end this for now- and go back to being mommy.  Afterall, how can I miss out on them-- I just heard my son say to my daughter, "you are the best sissy ever in the whole world."

I love them SO much!  <3


S-MOM said...

update to the story: the kids were not playing as nicely as I thought-- Jaxen decided to paint the chair with Acrylic paint. Thank goodness it wiped clean w/ water.

Deb said...

Well I think every parent should have the advantage of having both a boy and a girl! It is so hard to explain the differneces, same parents, different kids. It is so exausting to just keep up with all the differences. What makes a great mom, is all the emotions. That way the kids will learn that there will be times in their life when they will have these emotions too. But learn how to correct the thoughts/moods. Keep up the good work!